Porkpie For (Actual) Mayor

Won't drop out of Mayoral race, promises "a prompt cavalcade of raunch" to any constituent sexting him in future.

New York City, July 24, 2013: In a tearful press conference yesterday, Mayoral Candidate and Burlesque Impresario Jonny Porkpie apologized for the recent “sexting” scandal, and vowed to change his ways.

“I have not behaved in a manner appropriate to a mayoral candidate such as myself,” admitted Porkpie, who is making his third run for the office. “Inappropriate texting is a huge issue on the political scene these days, and I deeply regret having failed my constituents by not responding to their sexts in an adequately timely or raunchy manner.”

The scandal erupted earlier in the week when Porkpie accidentally tweeted a picture intended as a private message. The accompanying text seemed promising enough — “Look at my hard cock!” — but the photo attached appeared to depict a stone sculpture of a rooster.

“It was barely a pun,”—complained the intended recipient, who spoke on the condition of nudity—“And it certainly wasn’t sexy.” When asked what message she had sent that prompted this response, the constituent replied, “I’ll say this: it damn sure wasn’t a picture of my overheated cat having a bath.”

The tweet has since been deleted.

“My undersext days are behind me,” promised Porkpie, showing as evidence a photo of his unclothed derriere which he claimed to have sent to a voter in celebration of a birthday. “To anyone who sends me salacious messages in the future, I shall respond with a prompt cavalcade of raunch.” He then vowed that other texts and photos would come out, and as frequently as possible.

Porkpie will not drop out of the mayoral race, and his supporters remain confident he will “rise again” in the “polls” and "deliver the goods" on election day. “If your candidate is going to be a joke,” observed one voter, "it might as well be a good one; Porkpie for Mayor!" Another held a handwritten sign positing the question: “Why vote for Weiner when you can have a real dick? Porkpie 2013!”

Porkpie's announcement was especially notable because it was the first Press Conference in history ever conducted entirely over Snapchat.


Dateline: March 16, New York City. For the past few months, as the mayoral race has crept along, one question has been on everyone’s mind: it’s an open secret that a certain candidate is running for mayor again, so why isn’t that candidate officially announcing that fact?

Now, finally, the elusive candidate will finally come forward — this weekend, Jonny Porkpie, the self-appointed “Burlesque Mayor of NYC” will throw his namesake hat in the ring, likely followed by his pants, for the 2013 mayoral race.

“New York has been run as a business long enough,” said Porkpie. “But a city is not a business, any more than a burlesque show is. It’s time to get back the character, the excitement, the sexiness of the greatest city in the world.”

Porkpie’s first run, in 2005, was thought to be ineffective because he scheduled his victory party without ever announcing his candidacy. His second run, in 2009, received slightly more media attention, and several more votes, but is largely thought to be a failure because of his insistence that his only platform was “platform heels.”

But now, with his third run, Porkpie has honed his message to one word: sexiness.

“When elected,” he promises, “every decision I make as mayor will be based on whether or not something is sexy. Attractive people taking off their clothes for your entertainment: sexy. 7-11s on every corner: not sexy.” And what of the issues currently topping the headlines? “If anyone can prove that slurping soda out of a 64 ounce tub is sexy, I’ll be all for selling the comically oversized teeth-rotters. Until then; not sexy.”

Mr. Porkpie’s official announcement is scheduled for this Saturday during the aptly named “Dead Sexy”, his new weekly neo-burlesque event at Times Scare. “What better place to announce my historic third run for the office of actual mayor of New York City than at a burlesque show in a haunted house that was once the most infamous strip club in Times Square?

“I’m bringing sexy back,” Porkpie assured his constituency. “My esteemed opponents don’t know how to act. New York, let me make up for the things you lack. So vote for me and I’ll pick up the slack.

“Take it to the bridge,” added Porkpie. When asked if, as mayor, he’d let us whip him if he misbehaved, the candidate declined to comment.

Because the Naked Cowboy was in danger of winning the mayoral race, Jonny Porkpie, the self-proclaimed "Burlesque Mayor of New York City," has emerged as the Cowboy's main challenger. Porkpie's shtick is nothing new. In the speech on Monday in which he announced his candidacy, he used those tried-and-true puns often favored by nude performers who run for office. "I will lay [my] policies bare for all New Yorkers to see!" Porkpie proclaimed shortly after removing his shirt to please the howling crowd. We're reminded not only of the Naked Cowboy's slogan ("Because Nobody Has Done More With Less"), but of porn star Mary Carey's campaign for governor of California back in 2003. Carey's visionary platform included taxing breast implants, making lap dances tax deductible and creating a "porn for pistols" program. Her campaign slogans featured such gems as "Dying to Get in Bed with Special Interest Groups... And Film It!" and "I'll Provide 'Jobs for the Entire State." Porkpie should look to his predessors as he runs his striptease-themed campaign. Sure, the Naked Cowboy is a fake (he's not even naked!), but if Porkpie really wants to make political history, he'll have to set his sights higher. He'll have to attack Bloomberg. "I may not have millions of dollars to cram your mailbox full of paper spam like incumbent Michael Bloomberg," Porkpie told his fans. "But I do have one thing he doesn't have--an entire city full of sexy, talented friends who will take their clothes off in support of my campaign." That's a good start, Porkpie. Just throw in some Mary Carey-caliber puns, and you're good to go. -Will Alden

New York's "Mayor of Burlesque," Wants To Be New York's "Mayor of New York"
On Monday night Jonny Porkpie, organizer of monthly burlesque night "Jonny Porkpie's Bad Ideas" at Public Assembly in Williamsburg and self-described "Burlesque Mayor of New York," announced that he would be running for actual mayor in the upcoming mayoral election. Whether or not he presents an actual threat to the city's political establishment, this does represent a challenge to the winner of The L's "Best Stunt Mayoral Candidate" award, the Naked Cowboy. Clearly, some sort of nearly-to-entirely nude debate is in order. Maybe it'll happen on September 14, when Jonny Porkpie has invited all the mayoral candidates to a debate at Public Assembly. Until then, here's a video of your newest mayoral candidate dancing to Digital Underground's "Humpty Dance" at the Slipper Room: (video omitted). -Benjamin Sutton